What Your Ex Can Teach You

“I’m not totally useless! I can be used as a bad example.”

Have you heard that one before? It always makes me laugh. I picture some of my exes saying it to me because it’s so true!  You could still be hung up over an ex or you could want nothing more than to feed them to sharks – in one way or another, our exes will always be a part of us. Even if we don’t want them to.

And as depressing as that sounds, Lateesha is an optimist. And so, the optimist says, even exes can be a good thing and to use that annoying cliché, “a learning experience”.

Here’s what I’ve learnt from my exes:

What I Don’t Want
Obviously the reason we broke up was because there was something missing. The easiest thing to learn from an ex is what you hate about people. Even if you were the one that got dumped, chances are there was something you hated about them.

So when I look back and analyze, I know what I don’t want from a relationship. I know the qualities I don’t want my man to have. These can be small idiosyncrasies, quirks and habits or bigger issues like infidelity or commitment issues. Looking at your ex’s shortcomings teaches you how to look out for the red signals in a future relationship.   

What I Want
When you’ve figured out what you don’t want, the next step obviously leads to knowing what you do want. So by looking back on the shortcomings of a past relationship, you’ll learn what’s a “must have” on your list. For example, I know laughter is very important for me in a relationship and my ideal man will be able to make me laugh all the time. But I didn’t realize this was important to me until I dated two incredibly serious-about-life guys who scowled at everything and found nothing funny. Not happening again!

About Myself
A close intimate relationship with someone always teaches you things about yourself that you probably didn’t know. This can be good or bad. I once dated a guy who refused to take me out on dates and so I’d always end up cooking dinner for us. Obviously I was trying to impress him so I would try some fancy recipes and they always turned out pretty well. I eventually dumped the guy but I found a passion for cooking that I never knew I had and I’m happy about that.

Also, sometimes an ex can say something that might hurt but may be very true. For example, a guy once told me I was very judgmental and opinionated and didn’t give others a chance. Of course I hated him for saying it but turns out, he was right and I’ve changed a lot thanks to that.

Don’t believe everything your ex says however….angry insults and name-calling don’t count. It might take a while to take an ex’s comments as insight because obviously you’re too angry to believe them but when you can look at it objectively, you might get something good out of it.

Fact Vs. Fiction
This is (usually) applicable to the ladies. We have this whole image of a fantasy ideal man in our heads but when we start dating, the real men don’t paint such a pretty picture. I’m sure the guys do it too to some extent! Exes teach us that there’s probably no person that’s “perfect” as we imagine them to be. The heartbreak is hard to handle when the image of the “ideal” shatters but it also brings you back to earth and makes it easier to move on to a new relationship where your expectations aren’t sky high.

That’s an incredibly personal post there. I think I’ve blabbed about all my exes here. Hopefully you will do the same and tell me what you learnt from your ex….

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